Out of Control?
Can you relate to what this guy is feeling? Of course, we all can. If you say no, check your pulse….something is wrong. And don’t tell me only men get this way. I know better. I admit to throwing a telephone (before cell phones) across the room more than once. (I know, I know…..I’ve come a long way since those days) More than once I’ve wanted to go get my .38 revolver to help “re-boot” my computer.
Here’s the issue. You’re at the top. You’re the leader. You are definitely allowed to feel this way occasionally.
But we leaders do not have the luxury of displaying anger in front of others.
A few years ago, I was standing on the deck of a golf course home that sits near the ninth hole. Three men were playing golf together, and I witnessed one of the men, in a fit of rage, hit a tree with his club hard enough to leave a scar in the bark of this big beautiful old growth Cedar. I thought to myself, “Yeesh, I’m glad I don’t have to work with him!”
A few hours later, I began to wonder how many times people at my company had witnessed me displaying my negative emotions, and I started doing some serious personal inventory.
Think of a duck on the water…….it looks like the duck is just floating along the top of the water……..peaceful, calm, thoughtful, matter-of-fact, all is well. But underneath, the duck’s feet are working, working, working. Energy is being used but others only see the duck’s body floating smoothly on the water. Leaders need to be like ducks, at least on the outside: in control, calm, and poised.
Whether you know it or not, you are being watched all the time, even when your employees look busy and pre-occupied. You are the one who is constantly setting the tone, creating the culture, and setting the example. You can state any words in your vision statement and corporate values, but if your actions are incongruent with those words, the actions will become the culture, not the words.
What about transparency and authenticity? I am not saying you can’t have feelings or show emotion. And I certainly don’t mean give up acknowledging people in a warm way and rewarding them for the behaviors that reinforce your brand, and that you want repeated. I don’t mean giving up being firm-handed when you need to to nip a problem in the bud. What I am saying is that you have to control how much and what you display.
If you are sending your soldiers into battle you must remain unwavering. You may feel fear, but it would be suicide to display it. Your management team needs to know you are sure, strong, steady, and calm. You are approachable and open, and everyone is safe.
Remember Maslow’s hierarchy of needs and think about what your team may be dealing with outside of work. They need to feel safe at work in order to be productive. Look at the chart below and remember that the safety and security needs are actually lower-level needs. Your team can actually slip into lower productivity and disengagement if they feel like they are not safe and secure in their work. No, I am not saying that they are worried you will hurt them physically. I am talking about a much more subtle, subconscious fear that their job may be in jeopardy, that their paycheck may go away, that they can not come to you with ideas, that they better just be quiet and not rock the boat.
If they see anger, or any emotion resembling worry or panic on your part as the leader, know that demonstrating those emotions will affect your bottom line in a negative way, not to mention they will begin to create a culture of worry, negativity and start a virus in your own company. I see this every day in my consulting and coaching work.
Sometimes we need to be reminded of the obvious: our actions speak louder than our words, and there is good reason to be careful about our behavior.
Since we can’t get our emotions out in public, what do we do with them? How do we keep from taking them out on our spouse when we get home, or from ruining our golf clubs on Cedar trees, kicking the dog, and so on?
Helpful tips:
1. Stay healthy: sleep, proper diet, exercise, and deep breathing. I know I’ve said it before and will say it until I die. Staying physically healthy is the best thing you can do to handle excess stress.
2. The flip side of that coin is to stay away from subtances and activities that affect your health negatively: caffeine, alcohol, tobacco, many prescription drugs, staying up late, eating rich foods, eating too late at night, etc.
3. Perspective: Take yourself as lightly as possible and remember to keep the 30,000 foot view of things, so you don’t get twisted around the axle about small stuff. When it comes down to it, it’s really all small stuff. 100 years from now, people will not consider it important. Unless you are the President and you “push the button”.
4. Read: Reading is the best way to keep your perspective, get outside of yourself, learn something new, discover a new idea, and re-charge your battery. Caveat: I am not talking about the newspaper. Please.
5. Human touch: When you are the leader, there is a quality of isolation in the sense that you cannot let your guard down in many situations. For high-stress positions, I recommend weekly massage therapy. A good 90-minute massage will give you a chance to release emotion, and toxins the negative emotions store in your body.
6. Rest/recreation: Sometimes you feel like you can’t get away, but if you died, everything would carry on without you, wouldn’t it? Take the trip you promised your spouse that you’ve put off 6 times now. You will be amazed at how productive and clear you are when you return. We high achievers tend to work to the point of diminishing returns. You may need someone else’s help to pull you away from the situation at hand. The work will continue to be there, calling you to it. Let someone drag you away to that racquetball or tennis game you need.
7. Give back: When you are focused on someone else, it becomes hard to continue to be tangled up in whatever you’re feeling angry, worried, or frustrated about. If you are not on the board of directors of a non-profit, or you are not a mentor or a volunteer at some organization you are really passionate about, find something you can get excited about and get involved. I know you have a lot on your plate: you can still keep tight boundaries on your time. Focusing on someone who needs you will take your attention off your own problems for a while.
8. Gratitude: You just got lucky you weren’t born in Darfur. Stop taking credit for where you are. How about practicing some humility and gratitude that we live in an comparatively affluent country and go to sleep at night with full tummies and safe from the danger of someone dragging us out of our home and chopping us into pieces in front of our children for being from the wrong tribe. Let’s be grateful for everything we have.
Next time you feel like throwing your computer out the window, smile and remember this article. Take 3 or 4 deep breaths and go take a 5 minute walk. Remember you are being watched, you set the example and you are creating a company of people who do as you do. Be a duck.
See you in the trenches!
Coach Julia
Tags: behavior management, Leadership, Leadership Skills, stress
