SECRETS AND STIGMAS IN THE CORPORATE WORLD
SECRET……The dictionary tells us that a secret (noun) is something that is kept hidden or concealed.
Most of us have been exposed to the tremendously successful movie and/or the book called “The Secret”, which contains knowledge that has been around for thousands of years, and it was packaged in an intriguing and ingenious way to attract people with the illusion of something previously concealed now being revealed. That was really great marketing. And it prompted a lot of personal growth for many people. Make no mistake, I am not here to criticize it. I have given many speeches entitled “The Seven Secrets to this or that, bla bla, ad infinitum” because these titles work for people:. we want to be let in on secrets, don’t we? We all want to know the secrets of how to succeed in business, live longer, make more money, find true happiness, bring the honeymoon back into our marriage, raise perfect children, lose weight and look sexy at 60, and so on. Look at any magazine/tabloid cover and you will see the word “secret”. The truth is, there are very few secrets contained within, although often we find good reminders of something we had forgotten, or an idea we can use. These are good “secrets”, albeit purposely misnamed for the sake of marketing.
But……. there is different kind of (more insidious) secret that is not misnamed; one that quietly spread its tentacles within our hearts, minds and souls, and can even lead us to our death: This is the kind of secret that prompted the quote “We are only as sick as the secrets we keep”. I am talking about secrets of guilt, shame, embarrassment, regret, resentment, and anger: secrets that we keep imprisoned within us, often for “good reason”. Some of these secrets, if they were to be exposed, could cost us our job or perhaps the love and approval of people close to us. As you read this, just pause for a moment and think: What secrets are you keeping locked up?
Example: A high-profile executive with a Fortune 500 Company has addictive behavior, and when he feels out of control and anxious, he goes across town and hires a prostitute during his workday afternoon while he is supposedly on an appointment. The adrenalin and other “feel good” hormones call him back to this behavior more and more often. Here’s what eventually happens: He becomes more and more pre-occupied with sexual fantasies, resulting in episodes of “acting out” at work. He continues to repeat his behavior, despite negative consequences and his desire to stop, as he is losing his “grip” at work, and his wife has discovered what he has been doing. He begins to have incredible guilt and shame over his inability to control his behavior, and despairs that he doesn’t feel the remorse he thinks he “should”. Other behavioral problems begin to rise to the surface: he finds himself drinking more, abusing prescription drugs and overeating. Stress at work also encourages compulsive sexual behavior by feeding the addict’s need for withdrawal and fantasy. This has now become a bad downward cycle. Sound far-fetched?
This type of problem occurs daily in business. The days of the 3-Martini lunch may be over, but there are many companies with a culture of excessive alcohol use. I watched one company recently fall apart at the seams, from the top down. Mega-sales and high functioning during the day caused people to turn a blind eye to excessive alcohol consumption in the evenings, and well into the night. This particular company culture was 24/7, so in my book that is drinking on the job. A receptionist gets fired for drinking on the job at one company, while the CEO of another company is working with clients all evening and drinking to excess. Why is he not fired? What’s the difference?
Addictive use of the Internet , gambling, and shopping are other executive behaviors that get easily out of control. These addictions, along with the sexual addiction story above, are called “process” addictions, only slightly different from “substance” addictions. People who develop problems with their Internet use may start off using the Internet on a casual basis and then progress to using the technology in dysfunctional ways. Many people believe that spending large amounts of time on the Internet is a core feature of the disorder. The amount of time by itself, however, is not as important a factor as the ways in which the person’s Internet use is interfering with their daily functioning. People are putting their social life, school work and jobs at risk, because of their Internet abuse.
We have issues in corporate America with addictions of all kinds: gambling, substance abuse, sex, domestic abuse and pornography, video-gaming, overeating, you name it. It often starts right at the top. Here’s the problem: If you are the CEO, you can’t exactly go to the board of directors and expose your addiction, and you certainly don’t want to reveal it to those people you lead. This causes you to keep the secret to yourself. Therein lies the problem.
It is my opinion, corporate America will grow more accepting of our leaders who step forth and admit a problem, take responsibility and ask for help. But we are not there yet. Our government and corporate role models so far seem to deny allegations when the jig is up, and continue to deny any wrongdoing until the proof is so overwhelming they know they’re trapped and then finally (when there’s no way out), they apologize. Since these are our role models, it is not likely we will change right away. Our culture is not at the honest stage about our downfalls…….yet. Although it is becoming more acceptable to talk about our ADD, OCD, depression, ADHD, and other mental conditions, there is still a stigma. But we are burying our heads in the sand if we don’t recognize that executives have addictions, and if we run around saying it couldn’t happen in our company. Many of us reading this have addictions. Admission is our first step. No company of any size is exempt or perfect.
Let’s start with the easiest one first: alcoholism. Alcoholism, influenced by both genetic and environmental factors, usually follows a predictable pattern and has recognizable symptoms. Alcoholism cuts across gender, race, income, position, and ethnicity. About 14 million people in the U.S. alone are dependent on alcohol.
In my next entry we will talk about the cost of alcoholism and other substance abuse to your company and others in the U.S. Fasten your seat belt and prepare to be shocked.
Until we begin to admit we are vulnerable to these type of problems, and begin to erase stigma and come face to face with the problem and treatments, we will be forced to keep our secrets…secrets that eat us up from the inside, and eventually kill our bodies, our souls, and our spirits. The higher in the organization the problem exists, the more chance the organization dies as well. Hardly ever will you see this as front page news. It lies underneath the issues that reach public knowledge, and lurks in the shadows.
How many secrets are you keeping? It’s time to come clean.
Copyright 2009 Julia Marrocco All rights reserved.
Knowing that we are only as sick as the secrets we keep, we need
These secrets are the secrets that do not serve us well
Tags: Addictions, Confidential Help, Emotional Intelligence, Execs in Recovery, Executive Coach, executive coaching, Executives in Recovery, Mental Iron, Private Coaching, pumping mental iron, Secrets, Sobriety
