Valuable Lessons from Step-Dad
Like many of us, I come from a divorced family. My mom and dad divorced when I was in my late teens, and they have each been married to “new” spouses for longer than they were married to each other. So, on Father’s Day, I do just as many of you do, call both dad and step-dad. This year I happened to be with my step-dad, since I was caregiving for my mother after a recent surgery. While I was there, two of my step-sisters and I took step-dad out for the day in San Francisco. We had a great day together, and it will be a wonderful memory. Step-dad is 84 years old, going on 16.
As I sit here in the Oakland airport awaiting my flight home to Portland, I am thinking of the lessons I have learned from my stepfather. I’ll call him Hank.
Lesson 1. Humility. Hank has every reason to be a cocky son of a gun. But he’s not. He fought in the U.S. Army during World War II, still practically a boy (age 17), fought in active combat, suffered a traumatic brain injury, and witnessed heaps of (recently) bodies of murdered Jewish prisoners as his unit liberated a concentration camp in Germany. He deserves recognition and respect. But you will never hear him say a word about it. I have never seen his pride get in the way of any relationship, or any situation, even if it meant him taking the brunt of the laughter or being the ’scapegoat”. He just says “fine.” That’s okay with him. Life’s too short to get twisted around the axle.
Lesson 2. Humor. Hank has the best sense of humor of anyone his age I’ve ever met. He remembers hundreds of jokes, and can act, sing, and play the tuba. He doesn’t let his aches and pains speak any louder than his tuba. 
He does have his share of pain, the biggest being the emotional pain of PTSD from his traumatic experience in World War II. He was only diagnosed with it in the past year officially, after suffering his whole working life with symptoms of the disease, since until recently the VA didn’t recognize PTSD for what it is and how serious it is. He has been known to dive under a table at the sound of a gunshot or fireworks, and I have seen his arm shake uncontrollably at the sight of my mother’s foot-long stapled knee scar directly after her surgery, and cringing horribly at the sight of me giving her a shot in her stomach. He has a strong startle-response from his war trauma. (Good idea not to sneak up behind anyone anyway). I think his humor kept him sane all these years, when he had every excuse to become bitter, angry, and isolated.
Lesson 3. Health. Hank goes to the gym three times a week and works out with a trainer. He is active, he wears one of those Body-Bugg things, tracks his calorie intake and output, doesn’t drink alcohol, doesn’t smoke, and makes healthy life choices. He is one of the safest drivers on the road. His photo is on the wall at 24-Hour Fitness, and he sports six-pack abs and strong biceps. He’s on fewer medications than I am, and I know his mental acuity is directly related to his regular exercise.
Lesson 4. Heaven-minded. Hank takes time to grow along spiritual lines. He became an ordained minister in his 70’s, and volunteered his time at church, as a chaplain at hospitals and AIDS clinics, and now he volunteers at the VFW. He is also volunteering as a subject of a research study at the VA Medical Center, where they are studying the link between PTSD and heart disease. He participates for the benefit of other veterans, who are daily coming home from Iraq and Afghanistan. He has always given more than he has taken from this world, and continues to do so. I think that contributes to his longevity and health.
Lesson 5. Honor. Hank honors and respects those with alternate lifestyles, and although he will state his opinion when warranted, I have witnessed the way he honors my mother, his daughters, my siblings and me, and our spouses. He will strike up a conversation with anyone who appears lonely or needy. In the years I have known him I have never heard him speak in a condescending manner to anyone. He loves animals, and cheers for the Horatio Algers of the world. He has a heart for the homeless, the widow, the orphan, the veteran and Jesus Christ (Hecalls Jesus his mentor and friend: I think that’s a cool relationship to have). Anyone he comes in contact with is made to feel special and valued.
My step-dad is the kind of man who sets an example for all of us. I expect him to live many more years, and I only hope that in my mid-eighties, (if I should live that long), I will be as brilliant an example of the 5 lessons to others: Humility, Humor, Health, Heaven, and Honor.
All rights reserved Julia Marrocco copyright 2010
Tags: example, Father, Fathers Day, Health, Heaven, Honor, Humility, Humor, PTSD, soldiers, Step-dad, Veterans, VFW, World War II
